Someone noted that many of us walk through life wondering if God has given us His best. But the question that we must first answer is, "Am I giving God my best?" (Proverbs 3:9). "The God-fashioned life leaves no room for pettiness, insincerity, wasted time, or selfishness… the Christian with his or her eyes on the goal of sincere and intelligent love will find throwing out the world's approach to relationships as no sacrifice" (Harris pp. 50,51). The Hebrew writer said, "let us also lay aside every encumbrance…and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us" (Hebrews 12:1). Peter said, "Therefore putting aside all malice and all guile and hypocrisy and envy and all slander" (1 Peter 2:1). Through Paul, God said, "now you also, put them all aside." (Colossians 3:8). In addition to such things, God also has very little tolerance for wasted time or wasted talents (Matthew 25:26-28; Romans 13:11 "it is already the hour for you to awaken from sleep"; Colossians 4:5 "making the most of the opportunity"; Hebrews 5:12 "For though by this time you ought to be teachers").
One of the pitfalls that Christians need to avoid in their relationships with the opposite sex, is to allow such a relationship to isolate the couple from other important relationships. Unfortunately, in society dating often means two people focusing exclusively in on each other. When this happens, often friends, family, preparation for marriage and spiritual growth are neglected. "The exclusive attention so often expected in dating relationships has a tendency to steal people's passion for serving in the church and to isolate them from the friends who love them most, family members who know them best, and sadly, even God, whose will is far more important than any romantic interest" (Harris p. 39).
"Being distracted by love is not such a bad thing---unless God wants you to be doing something else" (Harris p. 39). There are truly so many things that young people need to be doing. They need to be doing well in school, they need to using minds which still have empty space and are quick to grasp new concepts. They need to be grounding themselves in the faith (Colossians 1:23), knowing that college can often present a whole array of temptations and false concepts. The Christian young person realizes that they can't count on a job or college to cure them of immaturity, prepare them for marriage, being a good parent, being responsible with material resources, and having a clear view of reality. In a very real sense I need to be "grown up" before I get my first job, "mature" before I go off to college. Knowledgeable in the Scriptures before I get into an argument with some philosophy professor. We must never depreciate the years when one is single. "As a single you have the freedom right now to explore, study, and tackle the world. No other time in your life will offer these chances" (Harris p. 47).
The following illustration should make us all think, especially when we are all living in a society which treats love very casually: "It was finally here---Anna's wedding day, the day she had dreamed about and planned for months…But as the minister began to lead Anna and David through their vows, the unthinkable happened. A girl stood up in the middle of the congregation, walked quietly to the altar, and took David's other hand. Another girl approached and stood next to the first, followed by another. Soon, a chain of six girls stood by him as he repeated his vows to Anna. Anna felt her lip beginning to quiver as tears welled up in her eyes, 'Is this some kind of joke?' she whispered to David. 'I'm…I'm sorry, Anna', he said, staring at the floor. 'Who are these girls, David?'…'They're girls from my past', he answered sadly. 'Anna, they don't mean anything to me now…but I've given part of my heart to each of them.' 'I thought your heart was mine', she said. 'It is, it is', he pleaded, 'Everything that's left is yours'" (Harris pp. 17-18). The previous story is an actual dream which a young lady had. But it made her think, "How many men could line up next to me on my wedding day? How many times have I given my heart away in short-term relationships? Will I have anything left to give my husband?" And listen to this, "I often think of Anna's dream….There are girls from my past, too. What if they showed up on my wedding day? What could they say in the receiving line? "Hello, Joshua. Those were some pretty lofty promises you made at the altar today. I hope you're better at keeping promises now than you were when I knew you. My, don't you look nice in that tuxedo. And what a beautiful bride. Does she know about me? Have you told her all the sweet things you used to whisper in my ear?" (Harris p. 18).
I believe that the lesson to be learned is that even Christians are often too eager to fall in love, too eager to force love, or convince themselves that they are in love. There is a statement repeated in the Song of Songs, which says, "that you will not arouse or awaken my love, until she (or it) pleases" (Song of Songs 2:7). Among various explanations for this passage, one writer notes, "It is an adjuration that no attempt to kindle love by unworthy means should be made, for true love awakens spontaneously. It should owe nothing to improper stimulation by others" (Kidwell p. 347). "Genuine love is a shy and gentle affection which dreads intrusion and scrutiny…but dangerous in its strength and vehemence, if heedlessly awakened, "as strong as death" (8:6)" (p. 348).
"Let love be without hypocrisy" (Romans 12:9); "Love…rejoices with the truth" (1 Corinthians 13:6). "Unfortunately, much of what takes place between guys and girls today is insincere. There is nearly always an angle, a hidden-agenda. What can you do for me? What can I get from you?…..One guy explained his technique of alternating warmth with disinterest and coolness---he claimed that this approach kept a girl guessing and trying her best to please him. Another guy shared ways to put a girl in a romantic mood. He'd take a date to a furniture store, and as he and the girl walked through the displays, he would talk about families and ask which tables and couches she would want for her home someday. 'Girls go nuts for this!' he told us. He explained that with marriage and future plans on her mind, the girl would more likely be romantic and affectionate during the evening. Bluntly put, this conversation was a study in manipulation. All of it was completely fake, completely insincere. The guys didn't seek ways to bless girls. They merely wanted ways to push emotional buttons to get something for themselves" (Harris p. 68). There is no room for being dishonest or deceptive in the life of the Christian (1 Peter 2:1; Ephesians 4:25 "laying aside falsehood, speak truth, each one of you, with his neighbor"; Colossians 3:9; Philippians 3:19 "whose god is their appetite"). Remember, when you are dating, you are sending a message to the world, "Will others see the sincerity of Christ's love in our relationships? Or will they see the same brand of self-centered love practiced by the world and turn away in disappointment?" (Harris p. 69).
"As we relate to others today, we form patterns that we'll take with us into our marriages" (Harris p. 69). There is a misconception that one can be immature and selfish in their dating relationships and then suddenly become very mature and unselfish when they find the right person. Some people say that "practice makes perfect", but that is only true if you are practicing the truth. "Who wants someone who will ditch a relationship the moment romantic feelings wane? Who wants to marry a person who has developed a habit of breaking up and finding someone new when the going gets tough" (Harris p. 70). The love that we are to manifest is committed, sincere, selfless, sacrificial, moral, obedient to the commands of God and responsible. One conclusion is very clear, we cannot love as God loves and date as the world dates. "The guy or girl you will one day marry doesn't need a girlfriend or boyfriend (even though he or she may want one right now). What that person really needs is someone mature enough to spend the season before marriage preparing to be a godly wife or husband" (Harris p. 77).
In The Book of Virtues, William J. Bennett tells a story called "The Magic Thread". In this tale we read of Peter, a boy who is always dissatisfied with his present condition and spends his life daydreaming about the future. While in the forest one day, he meets an old strange woman who gives him a silver ball from which a tiny, gold thread protrudes. She explains that if he wants time to pass more quickly, and thus skip the dull mundane moments of life, he only has to pull the thread a little. As the story goes we find Peter pulling the thread so school will end, pulling it again so he can rush through the engagement to his sweetheart. He cannot bear to wait the months to get married, so he uses the gold thread to hasten the arrival of his wedding day. Peter continues this pattern throughout his life. When the baby cries at night, when money is tight, when he can't wait for the children to be grown and out of the house, he pulls the thread again. The moral of the story, is that by allowing impatience and discontentment to rule him, he has missed out on life's richest moments. In introducing the story, Mr. Bennett comments, "Too often, people want what they want (or what they think they want, which is usually 'happiness' in one form or another) right now. The irony of their impatience is that only by learning to wait, and by a willingness to accept the bad with the good, do we usually attain those things that are truly worthwhile". "God has many wonderful experiences He wants to give to us, but He also assigns these experiences to a particular season of our lives (and a certain level of maturity and experience)….we often make the mistake of taking a good thing out of its appropriate season to enjoy when we want it….Like fruit picked green or a flower plucked before it blossoms, our attempts to rush God's timing can spoil the beauty of His plan for our lives" (Harris p. 76). "Love is patient" (1 Corinthians 13:4,7).
Our culture looks with disdain at the concept of, "can we just be friends"? But the Bible places a good deal of importance on being a friend (Proverbs 17:17; 18:24; 27:6,10,17; John 15:14). In friendship young people can practice the skills of relating, caring and sharing their lives with other people. In friendship we are given the objective chance to observe other people's characters and begin to see what we would one day want in a mate. Too often young people tend to skip the friendship stage of a relationship. The premise of dating is often, "I'm attracted to you; therefore let's get to know each other". The premise of friendship, on the other hand, is "I admire you, we have the same goals, we are like-minded, let's enjoy these common interests together".